what do you call a knee that tells jokes?

Hey y'all..
I have been realy gloomy the last few days so I tried to cheer myself up. Heres one trick that really works. I ll post some of my favourites inge.. Hope you have a good laugh..

Herd this one from Husham loa-bis :
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot.

He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?""Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

A man ordered a soup in the restaurant but, as soon as the soup arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I HAVE SPIT IN THE SOUP".Once he returned, he found a message on the same napkin: "ME, TOO"

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly."Well - she says, responding very carefully - I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left.""Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.""Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet."If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.""Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"

A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.
He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife poors him a cup of coffee.
With his head in his hand, he asks "Damn, honey." "What happened last night?"
She replies, "It wasn't a pretty sight."
He asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well" she replies, "You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset."
"He was", he moans.
"Yes" she replies, "He sure was."
"Aahhh, PISS ON HIM!" he says.
"You did," she replies. "Honey, You got fired last night."
"I got fired?" he questions.
"Yes" she answers "You got fired"
"Aahhh, FUCK HIM!" he says.
She replies, "I did, you start back Monday morning!"

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbour, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.
The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

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Answer - Funny